I want to post again on this thread because it strikes at the heart of an issue I'm going through now.
I feel guilt, now, for what I've done in the past. I don't know if I'd call it cheating but I do know I've hurt a lot of people.
In a nutshell, I fell deeply in love with more than one person at the same time. Three to be exact.
I didn't feel that I loved one over the other, I loved each with all my heart. I've always felt that love is infinite so there is not a limited quantity that has to be doled out in certain proportions. I gave my whole heart to all three.
They, of course, didn't feel that way. Each wanted an exclusive relationship but I just couldn't pick one to the exclusion of the others. I could never leave any of them.
Having one relationship is a lot of work. Having three was more than I could handle. I encouraged each one to form other relationships because that would remove some of the burden from me of caring for the emotional and sexual needs of three people. None of them wanted to do that, however, and became more and more jealous of each other as time went on. True to my Witness upbringing, I told them that their love for me must be lacking because "Love is not jealous". I told them if they truly loved me they wouldn't feel that way.
This turned out to be the biggest regret of my life. Doubting their love. I feel unimaginable guilt over this. I know now that each one truly does love me with all their heart also. Each one stayed with me and put up with this untenable situation. I reserve the greatest regret, however, for my first partner. The other two knew what they were getting into with me. The first one had to learn the hard way.
Eventually, number 2 and 3 left and found other relationships. They are happily involved with other people yet we remain very close to this day. Maybe even closer. My first partner, however, could never and can never get over the experience. We're still together, and I've been forgiven, but I can not forgive myself. As time goes on my guilt grows ever greater. I'm to the point now that I want to break up because I can't live with myself. I won't be the one to choose to leave, however, because that would make me feel even worse. Guilt is a horrible thing.
Anyway, that's where I am now. Wishing I could undo the past. Swimming in a sea of regret.
I hope this isn't too much information and I hope you don't think less of my now. I just felt if I couldn't open up here, what's the point?
Thanks for reading.